SATIRE: Toronto Sees Cinder Block Thefts Skyrocket

By Viktor Maksimowicz

TORONTO, ON—A disturbing string of thefts has struck the city of Toronto since the beginning of the city-wide shutdown four weeks ago. With major security operations temporarily shut down, large supplies of cinder blocks, weighing 20 pounds each, have been left unguarded. This has led to the disappearance of the common building material.

“Now I’m not saying that I’m the type to take cinder blocks, I’m just saying, it sort of makes sense doesn’t it?” says one citizen, who asked to remain anonymous. “They’re so versatile, and they weigh exactly 20 pounds. They’re also very common. Did I mention they’re exactly 20 pounds?”

“They are so versatile, and they weigh exactly 20 pounds.”

“We’re looking into this rash of thefts, but we’re still at a loss for a motive,” comments Toronto Police Chief Richard Deblasio. 

Chief Deblasio adds: “At this time we’re asking for anyone with information on the whereabouts of the people involved in these thefts to call the special hotline we’ve set up at 1-800-366-8253 or 1-800-3NO-TAKE.”

In unrelated news, Sportcheck has also raised the price of a 20-pound dumbbell to $65.00.

“I’ve set aside a good portion of my Emergency Benefit Package cheque to buy maybe four,” says Rob Brawn, who goes to the gym twice a year. “You never know when you’ll need one.”

Copyright© 2020 by Viktor Maksimowicz

DISCLAIMER: Everything tagged under “satire” is fictitious and purely satirical. It is not intended to communicate any true or factual information, but instead is created purely for entertainment and/or commentary purposes. These stories should be viewed only as parody. Names used in Undivided Magazine’s satire stories are fictional, and any resemblance to actual persons or entities is coincidental, unintentional, and accidental. Any event described that actually comes to pass should also be considered coincidental, unintentional, and accidentalbut also kind of funny?

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